Finding Joy

When they said life was like a rollercoaster, I think they were actually saying how you feel about life is like a rollercoaster. One day, I’m dramatically staring out a rain-streaked car window, mourning the loss of every friend I’ve ever known and the death of every dream I’ve ever had; and the next, I’m cranking up the radio, laughing at the text I just got, and blissfully thinking to myself what a good life I live. There are days that I can’t imagine my life getting any better, and then are days when I wonder why God has abandoned me.

This year in particular, I’m struggling with finding joy in every circumstance. I’m not facing impossible odds or dealing with a particularly difficult season of life. Instead, He’s just asked me to do something this year that, I’ll be honest, I don’t want to do. He’s asked me to live and work and seek the peace and prosperity of a team and in an activity that I just don’t want to be in. (I’ve written about that here.) But the specifics of my situation aren’t that important. The important thing is that I have heard Him clearly in more ways than one. He wants me here. And I don’t want to be here.

I thought I’d dealt with the obedience issue. I thought that just going where He called was enough. I thought I could begrudgingly go about the work of seeking the peace and prosperity of the city He was planting me in. But I’ve been wallowing in my resentful acceptance of His plan, slowly letting my disdain for it kill my joy for everything else.

My heart knows this isn’t what He’s called me to. He freed me from the weight of success-seeking and ambition-washed insecurity so I could walk in life to the fullest, not trudging through life with disparagement. It doesn’t really matter what the circumstances are. There’s certainly time for sorrow, and He hasn’t promised that this life will be easy. But He wants more than just my feet to follow – He wants my heart. He’s leading, and He’s asking me to follow wholeheartedly. Finding joy in the midst of a path I’d rather not walk isn’t about willing some superficial happiness to inhabit my head – it’s about allowing His goodness to invade my heart. It’s about asking Him for joy. Begrudging obedience isn’t a fruit of the spirit, but joy is.

I didn’t ask Him for joy and then wake up the next morning with the sun filtering through my curtains, birds chirping, and a smile permanently spread across my face. But I know He gives good gifts to His children when they ask for them. And as I get in the habit of asking Him for joy that captures my heart and invades my whole being, He is faithful to provide. Every time I ask, I’m reminded of all the reasons I have to be joyful. Every time I ask, it’s another moment of my day spent in communication with the Savior and lover of my soul. Finding joy has turned out to be less about finding something that was hidden than about receiving what He is graciously and extravagantly giving.